When mistakes feel enormous: perfectionism in young children

What perfectionism looks like at four

It rarely looks like carefully arranging pencils. In a young child, perfectionism often looks like ripping the drawing up, refusing to try again, or a sudden furious 'I can't!'

Underneath is a small brain that thinks a mistake means they are the mistake.

Make your own mistakes visible

The single biggest thing you can do is get your own small mistakes wrong out loud, calmly. 'Oh! I put too much milk in. That's okay, I can pour some back.'

Children copy the emotional temperature you use with yourself far more than they copy any rule you set for them.

Separate the mistake from the child

'The tower fell. That was frustrating. You are still lovely.' Say the last sentence out loud. It sounds obvious. It isn't - not to them yet.

Give them a story where mistakes are safe

'When We Make Mistakes' is written for exactly this child. It gives your family a shared story to reach for, so you don't have to invent the right words in the middle of the moment.