Why it happens
- Feelings arrive in a small child's body before words do. Without language, the only way out is through behaviour - crying, hitting, running.
- A named feeling is a feeling the brain can hold. Neuroscientists call it 'name it to tame it' - putting words on emotion actually lowers its intensity.
- Children learn feelings the way they learn colours - by seeing them pointed out often and calmly, in real life.
Gentle steps that help
Narrate small feelings, not just big ones
'You look a bit disappointed the biscuit broke.' You're not making a fuss - you're teaching them the word before they need it in a crisis.
Point out feelings in others
In stories, in the park, on TV: 'Look, he's frustrated because the tower fell.' Third-person feelings are safer to look at than their own.
Offer a calm-down tool, not a calm-down demand
Instead of 'calm down,' try 'do you want a cuddle, water or your quiet spot?' Choice puts the regulating brain back online.
Use a shared vocabulary from a book
'The Feelings Remote' gives children a set of feelings they can point to and change channels on. 'I Can Calm Down' and 'My Calm Down Book' add practical steps they can try. Shared words end power struggles fast.
A gentle reminder
You don't have to fix the feeling. You have to sit with it long enough that your child knows feelings aren't dangerous. That's the whole lesson.
This article is general parenting support, not medical advice. If you're worried about your child, please speak to your GP or health visitor.