Toddler tantrums: a gentle, honest guide (from the author of Big Feelings Are OK)

What a tantrum actually is

A tantrum is not naughtiness. It's what happens when a toddler's feelings arrive faster than their words. The thinking part of a toddler's brain is still years away from being fully wired - so when frustration, tiredness or disappointment hit, the body says it before the mouth can.

That's why 'use your words' rarely works in the moment. The words aren't there yet.

Why they seem to get worse before they get better

Somewhere between two and four, tantrums often peak. Your toddler is discovering they are a separate person with opinions - which is developmentally brilliant and behaviourally exhausting.

You are not doing anything wrong. Loud feelings in a small body are exactly what this age looks like.

Three things that actually help in the moment

Get low. Kneel down to their eye level. Standing above a toddler in meltdown makes the room feel bigger and less safe.

Name the feeling before you name the rule. 'You're really cross the biscuit broke. I understand. Broken biscuits still taste the same.'

Offer your calm, not your logic. Reasoning with a toddler mid-tantrum is like reading them a manual in a burning room. Wait until the fire is out.

The small change that shortens the next tantrum

Give feelings names when things are calm. In the bath, at breakfast, in the buggy - point out feelings in you, in them, in characters in books.

A child with a vocabulary for feelings has an off-ramp that a child without one doesn't. This is exactly why picture books work so well - they hand your child the words before they need them.

When it isn't 'just a tantrum'

Trust your gut. If tantrums are extreme, unusually long, or paired with things like sudden changes in sleep, speech or eating, talk to your health visitor or GP. That's not overreacting - that's parenting well.

Nothing on this site replaces professional support. It's here to help alongside it.